all the world’s a stage

palms sweaty, pressing on my persistent knee to keep from violently bouncing, pit in my stomach the size of heart - i will never forget the sensation of being in an audition room.

at first glance, an audition is harmless. an opportunity to show off your talent to hopefully impress a couple people - who in that moment, are the most important people in the world. “will they like my outfit? what type of song will they want to hear? what if the girl before me was the prettiest and most talented girl they have ever seen? what if they laugh at me?” all of these thoughts replaying and replaying in my head until my body physically can’t hold them (cue the anxious knee).

i would give my very being to the opinions of the people in that room, only to inevitably be disappointed. not because i would never get the role i wanted - i am grateful for some amazing opportunities - but because i never felt content. i wish i learned earlier just how much these thoughts would harm not only my performance, but myself.

sometimes it makes me laugh how much i still doubt myself. from a simple social media caption to a job application - i reread and rewrite and review to the point of exhaustion, and a lot of the time, inaction.

i haven’t always doubted myself. as a kid - i was naturally outgoing, emotional, playful, loud, creative. my doubt was born through a toxic relationship with comparison that started early on. “what if the teacher likes their project better? what if they hate my opinion? what if my classmates laugh at my hand-me-down outfit? what if i am slower than everyone else at recess?”

in my formative years i cared so much to be liked. by everyone. passionate, but also cool. smart, but also funny. creative, but also organized. i shaped the way these things could look, and was always changing based off of who might be the consumer of my curated content.

put me in an audition room and i had no idea of who i was.

this doubt that has stolen so much of my energy is one that’s fueled by a lack of self-love.

i learned true self-love when i was alone. i met her in silence. out in nature, listening to music that made me feel alive, not that i thought i should know. in practicing new skills, and failing (many times). in movement, where i created a relationship with being present in my body that i long forgot. i met her in taking care of others. by loving my parents, rather than resenting them. i met her in time. and once you know a love like hers, it’s impossible to accept anything less.

in the theater world, they tell you that you are always auditioning. i was so afraid of potential rejection at all times, that after a while, i forgot to be myself.

remembering who i am is a daily practice. there are so many things lined up against us - making us believe that we can do better, be better, look better. the truth is, who we are at our truest heart is the only thing that matters. when we lead with authenticity, kindness and love - in every action - we have defeated doubt.

social media is like a drug for my comparison. i try to consume it in moderation, but my doubt is greedy and it quickly overindulges. i experience bursts of time on social media where i feel pretty good - enjoying content, posting, scrolling sans the doom. this is when my self-love is high and i easily shut down the voice of comparison.

when social media feels too overwhelming, i’m grateful for this space. grateful for those in my life who stick by me and help me feel safe as me. i am grateful for my family, friends and partner who encourage me to be outgoing, emotional, playful, loud and creative. grateful to those who have seen my potential and encourage me to pursue my dreams. and i am forever grateful to whomever may be reading this - thank you for letting me be me.

all the world’s a stage, and no two roles are written the same. stay true to yours.

+

a lot of content on social media right now is heavy and stressful. when i’m already struggling to take care of myself, my capacity to take care of others is greatly impacted. i have found myself feeling guilty for not posting more, engaging more or sharing more content revolving important social and political injustices. i care so deeply about these issues, but i am in a season of taking action in quieter ways. if you relate to this - you aren’t alone.

there is also so much good happening. it’s just harder to see sometimes. if prioritizing the good means being able to hold the bad, then do so. control what you can. and share your good things! they are worth sharing amidst the heaviness. sometimes it’s upstage and sometimes it’s down. it’s all still a stage.