stuck in the middle

honestly it hasn’t felt like i’ve wanted to say much lately. since january, i’ve been in a state of finding balance with my new medication. as someone who was hesitant due to my previous experience with controlled substances, it took a long time to be willing to try an antidepressant.

but i am so glad i did.

my medication has allowed me to feel more balanced in my ups and downs. i’m able to feel a feeling shortly and let it pass. while the downs don’t feel so scary, the ups haven’t felt as up. which i’m sure is more balanced, but i noticed i would feel inspired to write on here when i felt “up!”- motivation would strike, clarity would come and i would feel inclined to share.

a lot has come up as i start to feel a bit more capable of processing emotions. for me, a huge feeling lately has been grief. grieving the time i spent isolating myself in my room, the friendships i didn’t feel capable of nurturing, the missed opportunities i didn’t take, the time i didn’t spend with my parents. the list goes on.

i think meds act like a band-aid. a really good and strong one, but sometimes it feels like i’m still bleeding, it’s just not going through the band-aid. the grief hasn’t gone anywhere, i just experience it at a constant pace rather than debilitating waves.

this week, the grief has felt heavy. i find myself on the verge of tears a lot and looking to control far too many variables. that’s when i can tell i need to recenter back to the controllable. this week i decided to put up the apple watch and the self-trackers for a bit to connect back to intuition. when i feel far from self, it’s typically due to focusing on events, situations, numbers - things that are distractions from what matters most. peace.

sometimes i feel stuck in the middle of the ups and downs. which is normal i suppose. however, i do find that it sometimes keeps me content (and safe) in the bare minimum. i’m somebody who loves growing, and fighting for my best life. that will never change. it takes a different level of focus and discipline to stay motivated to do this, but it’s a fight i’ll never stop fighting. walking, listening to music, singing, dancing, sunshine, time with friends, phone calls with family, moving my body, meditating, time with God - all of these things help bring me back to that inner knowing of peace.

while i’m still navigating these new meds, i have remained binge free for 7 months now - something that once felt so impossible. i do think a lot of that is due to the stabilization from the meds. even in this current wave, i have been able to stay aware of my behavior patterns and avoidance mechanisms. day by day, i am actively choosing to lead with love.